Out of My Zone

I went to an exercise class this morning. It was a mix of cardio (spinning) and weight lifting and a little bit of spiritual guidance mixed in. This was way out of my comfort zone. I usually just walk on the treadmill or the elliptical and call it a day. But, this class sounded right up my alley and I felt like I needed it.

So I did it…and I am happy I did!

 

very sweaty momma!


When it was finished I felt renewed and like I learned a ton and I had a real sense of pride in myself. And I want to do it again!

Hillary was our personal trainer and it felt like a mini training session because there were only four of us in the class. She as wonderful (I feel like I need to write her a thank you!). The other women in the class definitely had different fitness levels but we focused on our own pace.

And I didn’t feel alone. 

I guess lonely would be one way to define this journey. I know other people are trying to lose weight and I have friends to talk to about my struggles…but BUT it is a very personal struggle and often times it makes me feel loney and depressed and so many other emotions. I have no idea if this makes sense, but in my head it does. 
I am proud of myself. 

I am sore as all Hell!

I feel like I can conquer the rest of the day with my head held high.

Psychologically Speaking

Today I took the day off of work for two good reasons. I needed to get blood work done and I needed to meet with a psychiatrist. 

Turns out, I am totally and completely normal…which is not a surprise ūüėČ

I have never met with a psychiatrist before and as part of my physician assisted weight loss program I needed to meet with her. It was sort of bizzare to sit there and talk to a complete stranger…totally out of my comfort zone. And I don’t think it was like a regular meeting like it would be for someone who came off the steet. Do you know what I mean?

Anyways…the blood work went fine and the meeting went fine and then I went for a delicious lunch BY MYSELF!!!! I went to Bippibop and it was super healthy and delicious! I had a 460 calorie lunch and it was amazing. Like, seriously, I could eat there everyday.

Onward and upward…I am feeling refreshed!

Mango Just Doesn’t Cut It

I have been really trying to get my eating under control over the last two months. ¬†Some days it is easy, some days it is difficult. ¬†The honeymoon stage is long over and I am in the midst of the dreads as I like to call it…this is the time where clothes are starting to get a bit loose, the scale is moving the right way, but it is HARD, HARD work.

Not making excuses, because I am a firm believer that if you want to do something you will make time to do it but, man, I feel like I am completely running ragged.  I know I need to exercise daily, but sometimes I am just swamped with other things and it makes it difficult to find the time and energy to get it done.  I do want to be in the gym. I feel better when I get there.  But, when you leave the house early and stay ate for work and have to find the time to cook, clean, and get life done in a few hours it just seems like a mountain to high to climb.  I also think I have a bit of seasonal depression and when it is cold and dark and snowy I just want to be home.

I have been making an effort this week to really keep moving when I get home.  I have been making meals and cleaning messes and deep cleaning places that have been neglected for far too long.  Last night I even had a little exercise contest with the kids.  It was fun.  But, I need to get back to the gym.  I need to carve out that time for me.  It is going to start tonight.  No excuses.  I am getting there and putting some sweat equity back into my life.

As for mangoes, I do love them…but I will never understand how people use fruit as a replacement for chocolate or anything sweet. I will eat my mango, but I will crave a caramel chocolate bar (that is sitting right in front of me, by the way).

Am I?

Am I a bad mom because sometimes I wish for bedtime?

I am going to say no.

I love my kids to the moon and back but sometimes I feel overstimulated and just can’t take another “mom, mom, mom.”

Alone time = a good thingūüėÄ

I am not feeing my best. The stomach flu has lingered and I am simultaneously ravaging hungry and feeling like I am going to puke at all times. It is a weird feeling. At one point I thought I might be pregnant…for anyone who has been pregnant I am sure you know this feeling…but I am not.  Just in a strange place.

I also am having issues with my back which is making it very difficult to do any kind of movement without pain.  I am giving myself the weekend with heavy pain medication before I resume any physical things (i.e. Working out).

Well…this was kind of a doom and gloom little post.  This picture makes me happy:

Meg is 3 and Ty is 2. and there was no Ry in sight!

I am hoping to get majorly back to business on Monday. I don’t think I have gone super off the plan, but I know I can be better. I have a meeting with a psychologist on Friday and I am looking forward to it. 
 

What I Ate Wednesday

I don’t think this will be a regular thing because remembering to take pictures before eating is hard work! But, here is what I ate in my prescribed diet…kind of a day in the life (of food).

Breakfast (7am):  Fried egg on whole grain bread (80 calories/slice) with thin colby jack cheese (40 calories/slice)

egg sammy…get in my belly

 
AM Snack (10:45am):  12ish multigrain crackers with a The Laughing Cow cheese wedge (quest fresco)

these crackers are yummy!


Lunch (12:45pm): Mixed green salad (with a couple of sunflower seeds) and a Lean Cuisine of choice (today, chicken parm)

salad or mixed veggies…depends on the day

  
Snack: skipped it. Sometimes I have one around 4pm, sometimes I don’t. I wasn’t hungry, so I skipped it today.

Dinner (6:30):  spaghetti and meatballs with Brussels sprouts and a sprinkle of mozzarella cheese. This is about a cup of spaghetti, a 1/2 cup sauce.

delicious!


I ended the night with two small cookies. Sometimes I treat myself, sometimes I don’t.  Today I was hungry and wanted something sweet.

  
Total calories for the day was about 1,550. I was satisfied but not stuffed which is a lesson I am learning slowly but surely.  I also exercised so there’s that.

Overall, a good day food wise.

Back from the Dead

The stomach flu hit our house in a fierce way. 

Megan was the first to go down… 

sleeping…when not vomiting


I should backtrack.

On Tuesday we were having a great morning. Everyone was in a good mood as I  loaded them in the car. Then all hell broke loose when Ryan puked in his car seat…twice. Ugh. Horrible for everyone involved. So baby boy was sick all day but then seemed to rallyin the evening.

Aside from needing a new car seat ($$$$) life seemed okay. 

Fast forward to Thursday night around 11pm. Sweet sleeping Megan woke up vomiting. Then Shawn vomited but tried to go to work (spoiler alert: he didn’t make it). Tyler was up at 4…vomiting.  By noon 4/5 of us were down for the count.

I spent most of my day like this…

  
Good news, it is now Monday and everyone seems to be feeing better. I have mounds of laundry and my house is a mess but people are living and breathing.

Laundry, oh laundry. Holy laundry.

Obviously all dieting and exercise has ceased. Well, I didn’t eat for three days so there’s that.

Today starts a new day.

Onward.

 

Life 

I sent my husband up to give baths tonight. I hardly ever ask for help but I need to and this is a start. It is hilarious hearing him up there, but I am not going up.

So often I find myself doing things for other people and then feeing resentful when my help is not recognized or appreciated. It is a hard pill to swallow because it is my fault and my personality flaw…I need to either let it go or relinquish control and ask for help. Double-edged sword. 

I am tired mentally and physically but I feel pretty good today.  It is hard to spend so much time during the day thinking about food…what food I can eat what food I shouldn’t eat what food is a good choice…when is my next meal, what is in that meal…as nauseum. It’s like a full time job. And I have a full time job. And I am a full time mom. And a full time wife. Ugh. Life.

 

This looks like a good choice.

The thing is, I have been making good choices but I have also made poor choices. It is a mixed bag and something I struggle with every minute of every day. Super annoying if you ask me!

I am also working hard at the gym. My doctor suggested I spend less time of the treadmill at a more intense pace so I am trying to do that. I actually ran for like two minutes straight today. I hurt tonight.

Oh, and my little guy is sick…poor, pathetic baby!  

   
 

Avoidance

Have you eve had something in your life that you knew you needed to do but you just kept avoiding it because it was annoying and a lot of work and you just didn’t want to do it?

This is what I am in for now.  I have this HUGE! HUGE! project I am working on and I just do not want to finish it.  But I am going to work on it this week.

So there’s that.

As far as my dieting is going, I have to say, it is HARD.  Because I am an emotional/bored/everything eater, if I have any sort of downtime in my life all I want to do it eat.  And that is a reality, my friend.  The weekend has not been great and I have only myself to blame.

So today I am going to be back on track and stay on track all week. ¬†I am going to eat what I am supposed to eat and exercise a little bit harder than I did last week. ¬†Hopefully this will snap me out of any funk that I am in…because come February I want to be at least eight pounds lighter. ¬†Realistically for how big I am two pounds a week is very reasonable.

I guess you could say avoidance is something I am really great at, most often times during weight loss.  It is like I know in my brain that I just need to do it and I have all of the tools to do it, but I avoid it.  I am not sure why.  In two weeks I am meeting with a psychologist and will definitely be speaking with him/her about this issue.  I am hoping to at least open my eyes to what I can do to fix this.

me and meg

Throw back to last summer…Man I miss the slow days of summer…especially in this 19 degree weather we are having today!

Month 1: The Good, the Bad, the Ugly

Well, it has been a month since I started my journey to a healthy weight assisted by a physician.  I feel good about where I am headed and it seems like I am on a path in the right direction.  I am not under any sort of delusion that this process will be easy or that I will not struggle along the way.  This is going to be the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.  I am committed to the process and I know I can only do the best I can do minute by minute.

The Good:

  • I lost 13 pounds this month!!!!¬†With Christmas and New Years and everything in between (i.e. food and sitting) I managed not just to maintain my weight but lose a significant amount. This is the first time in about 15 years that I have not gained over the holidays!
  • The PA (physician assistant) was very, extremely, super-over-the-top happy about my results. ¬†I don’t know if he was just pulling my chain, but he seemed genuinely surprised by my results and said this was very atypical of most patients.
  • I am a people-pleaser through and through, so making the PA happy made me feel extremely proud and happy myself. His response will definitely give me fuel to continue the journey.

The Bad:

  • It is very evident that I am addicted to food and this is something that I am going to have to work through for the rest of my life. ¬†I am not sure if I will ever truly heal from this addiction.
  • I gave up my beloved Cherry Coke Zero. ¬†I guess this might be considered a good thing, but I really LOVE that drink and it has been a hard pill to swallow.
  • I majorly failed on the exercise front this past month. ¬†I was definitely more lazy than I have been in a long time. ¬†I may have made it to the gym three times in December. ¬†Major fail.

The Ugly:

  • It makes me sad and depressed that this struggle is real and will be just that, a struggle, for the rest of my life.
  • I am keeping this weight loss a secret from most people which makes the journey very lonely. I know in time I will share with other, but right now my husband and a very close friend are the only two that know.
  • I hate feeling like I am the fattest person in the room. ¬†Ugh. I feel ugly and huge everyday of my life. ¬†I know I am working to not feel this way, but the feelings at this moment are there and they are UGLY and EMBARRASSING and HUMILIATING.

So, I am moving forward to Month #2 and feeling over-all good about the direction I am moving in. ¬†I have to keep telling myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint and I will have really great days and really sucky days and that is just part of the race. ¬†Onward…

image

I better document this with pictures, event though I don’t want to see how I look right now

Back to It

I think I mentioned before, but I am a teacher and I am back to work today.  In some ways I was sad for the break to end, but in other ways I am happy to get back into my routine.  I think when you are trying to lose weight or make any lifestyle change it is always easier when you are on a schedule and have a plan.

This morning I was up at 5:30 and I spent a few minutes in prayer before I hopped out of bed. ¬†One of my other goals for the year is to live life very intentionally and make time for myself in many different areas. ¬†I feel like when I became a mother I really lost myself in motherhood. ¬†I love being a mommy and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but I need a healthy dose of balance in order to feel good about myself and fulfilled in all aspects of my life.

So I have been off and running with my day since. ¬†It has been busy and I have enjoyed my students today very much. ¬†Tonight I am going to the gym right after work today (sans kids) and then home to cook dinner, make lunches, and do all of the things that working parents try to fit in before bedtime. ¬†I am sure I will be asleep shortly after the children…and they go to bed very early.

I found a quote that I just love that I thought I would share on here.  It really sums up the way I want to live my life.

Be somebody

Have a great afternoon!