The Bug

I have caught what everyone else seems to have.

Ugh. My head. Ugh. My throat. Ugh. My ears.

I have been feeling kind of horrible for the past couple of days.  Yesterday I tried to get a sub but couldn’t find one so I ended up working and it was not a great day.

I am pretty sure it is just a winter cold so I am just trying to take it easy, drinking a lot of water, and trying to get to sleep early.  I haven’t worked out since Wednesday, but honestly, I have no energy and a really deep cough so those two things combined with all my other aliments make it hard to get motivated.

If I am feeling any better in the morning I may try to 8 am Renew You class, but I am not going to feel guilty if I don’t make it. I have been trying to be very diligent with my food consumption, but that has been a bit sub-par.

Monday is a new week, right?

In some fun news….We are heading to Lexington tomorrow for an overnight date night!!!!  Yay for sleeping in a bed someone else has to make!!!!!
I am taking Ryan to my mom’s tonight and the big kids are heading to their aunt’s house tomorrow morning…and then we are heading out.  We are also meeting another couple which makes it double-fun!!!!

Also, Tyler is registering for football tomorrow.  Holy cuteness!

The Next Step

I have been spending most of my free time researching the Gastric Sleeve Surgery.  After my husband and I talked about Ryan being our last baby, I started seriously considering having the Lap Band Surgery.

I should backtrack a bit…I have struggled with my weight for most of my life.  I can remember my mom and my doctor discussing diets for me when I was in second grade and thus started my poor relationship with food.  In second grade I was not fat and did not need to diet; but in the 1980’s there was one growth chart and one way of calculating what you should way and I was very, very tall and didn’t fit the chart.  This is when I stared dieting and also learned my habit of sneaking food and eating alone.  I know they were only doing this to help me, but, in fact, it really hurt me…emotionally, physically, everything. I continued to diet regularly from then on.  In college I packed on the pounds and a couple years after college was when I joined Weight Watchers and lost a significant amount of weight (75 pounds) and kept it off for about 4 years; I never reached my goal weight, but this was as close as I had ever been…enter marriage and children and I am back to a very unhealthy weight.  For our first few years of marriage (until I started getting pregnant) I did very little dieting and my weight steadily increased. Since having Ryan in the summer of 2014 I have worked at dieting pretty half-assed.

Back to weight-loss surgery…I have a friend who had the lap band done about three years ago and she had great success with it.  I would say she has lost close to 100 pounds.  While the first year and a half were difficult for her (lots of figuring out what her stomach could handle) she has been quite successful.  After doing a lot of research, though, lap band did not seem like something I wanted to do.  I feel a tiny bit weirded out by having something foreign (the port) in my body forever and there is a lot of maintenance with lap band (figuring out where the band needs to be changes!).

So when we decided that our family was complete, I started doing the research.

Interestingly enough, I never thought my weight was that out of control.  I always thought I could manage it on my own.  But you know what?  I can’t.  If I am not on a formal program losing, then I am gaining (always).  I am totally and completely embarrassed by this.  Seeing as I am a control freak in pretty much every other aspect of my life, it baffles me to no end that I cannot for the life of me be in control of my weight.  It is a sickness  One that I cannot cure.  I hate it.  I am mad about it.  I spend more time worrying about my weight than anything else in my life.

In my research I noticed how much surgery has helped people in my situation.  It is not a cop-out or an “easy way out” or anything else.  I truly believe it is a tool in helping me control my weight for the rest of my life.  Just because I have the surgery doesn’t mean that I will not struggle with my weight, but, hopefully, I will be able to manage it better.

One of the many things that holds me back is that I don’t want to be judged by anyone in making this decision.  I know that is silly, but it is the truth.  I guess I just have to get over it.

So I did the research on my own, I went to a seminar about the procedure and I am currently on a prescribed diet to help me make a decision on whether or not surgery is for me.  So far I have passed every test I have been give (I am a over-achiever like that) and am moving in a forward direction.  If I choose surgery, it will most likely be sometime in June so I will have the summer to recover.

I have not completely committed to surgery yet.  I am definitely keeping my options open and following the six month protocol that is required to even be considered a candidate.  I am meeting with the surgeon mid-March and at that point I will need to start making some concrete decisions about where I want to go with it.

I have lots of choices with the next step, and I am thinking it through over and over and over again.  I have been talking with my husband a lot about it because it will affect him the most. I will need care right after surgery and he will need to be there to help me.  I will also have to find places for my kids to go for a few days.  I will not be able to care for them for the first few days after surgery.  I know my mom and mother-in-law will be helpful during this time, but since I have not told them about the surgery until I meet with the surgeon I can’t really make any logistical plans yet.

I have a lot of thinking to do…

Friday Funday!

I am going out with some of the girls from the neighborhood tonight. It has been too long and I am excited just to hang out with them and chat the night away.  We are going to The Cheesecake Factory which happens to be one of my favorite places to eat.  The fish tacos there are killer and I can’t wait to sink my teeth into them.  I am thinking I might treat myself to a dessert as well.  It has been a while since I have truly indulged in anything and my sweet tooth is calling out.  We shall see..I am leaving plenty of wiggle room in my calories today should I give in to the urge.

I made it to Cardio Core this morning and I am happy to report that for the past two weeks I have met my stretch goal of getting to the gym 5/5 days during the week.  I actually sprung out of bed this morning which was awesome.  But when I got to the gym I realized I was SUPER DUPER sore!!!!  I have really pushed myself in classes this week and on the treadmill and my body is feeling it…in a good way but also in a “I can’t even move” way.  So I muddled through the class and had to do many modifications to keep up.  But I did it.  And I didn’t use my soreness as an excuse to slack.  YAY me.

My husband and I are planning a night away next weekend with another couple.  Since we work opposite schedules we are going to try once a month to do a date night without the kids (all night). This takes a little bit of logistics, but it is worth it.  While this month we are heading out of town for a night and shipping two kids with Shawn’s sister and one with my mom, next month we will probably just stay home but still find overnight sitters for the kids.  Shawn’s parents watch Tyler and Ryan all week, so I feel insanely guilty asking them to watch them (& Megan) overnight on the weekends, but we need to do this and I know they don’t really mind, do all is a-okay.  Shawn and I have had some rough patches in our marriage (hasn’t everyone?) so I like that we are trying to focus on us once in a while.

Speaking of my husband.  One of my Lenten promises to myself was to stop being so impatient and bossy with him.  So many of our issues happen because we do work opposite shifts and our communication sucks most of the time. I start getting very resentful that most of the household responsibility falls on me and I look at him and assume that he is just lazy when it might be something else.   I am trying to change this mindset by not assuming things, asking questions, and looking at the situation before reacting (this is the hardest for me).  And you know what I noticed over the last 10 days….I am SO SO SO much happier when my home in peaceful. We have been married for 12 years and this is the first time that we are actually LISTENING and HEARING what each other is saying.

My kids have been driving me nuts this week.  I love them to death but they also suck the life out of me.  I am trying to be patient with them, but it is difficult.  They have a lot of bad habits that I am planning on breaking in the next few weeks (making messes and not cleaning them up, leaving clothes all over their room for someone else to clean up (me), not finishing their dinner but wanting a snack later…just to name a few).  It’s on, kiddos.

This is the first year in about five that I am ahead of schedule with all of my teaching lessons at work.  I am actually going to be able to do fun things with my students at the end of the year instead of rushing to get things done.  It feels amazing!!!!

I think that is enough for today.  I am hoping this is a great weekend!  I see indoor swimming in my future!!!

I Want it Bad

Since the  beginning of January I have been getting up at 4:45am to go to the gym. I have been aiming to go at least three times a week but my stretch goal is five days a week. Some mornings it is a struggle to get up. Some mornings it is easy.
Today when the alarm went off I jumped out of bed. 

You know why? 

Because I want to be successful; I want it bad. 

I have always wanted to be part of a fitness community. I enjoy being able to do fun things not just with my kids but for myself.

I have to keep reminding myself of this fact because it is one of the biggest reasons why I am on this prescribed diet. 

I don’t need to lose weight because I have a medical condition, I don’t need to lose weight because I need to get off medication. I WANT to lose weight because I want to be active and fit and part of a community of successful people who also have the same goals.

I need to get out of this funk and realize that I am lucky enough to have an option to lose weight. 

So, there, attitude adjusted.

Ryan showing off all of my prepared meals.

Month 2: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Month 2 of my prescribed weight loss plan is in the books. To say it was a difficult month would be the understatement of the world. But it is behind me and it was worth it, so I guess that is all I can ask for.

The Good:

  • I lost 10 pounds!!!! This is very very good. My total is now 23 pounds lost in 2 months, so I really am happy with the progress.
  • I started going regularly to morning (5:30am) fitness classes. I actually have started to really crave these classes and they are something I can stick with. Oh, it hurts so good!
  • I made a lot of great choices this past month food-wise. I didn’t necessarily deprive myself but I did say no to a lot of indulgences.

The Bad:

  • I know I could have done better with my food choices this month. If I was honest, I barely followed it 70% of the time.
  • I also could have done better with my exercise in the beginning of the month…but I made up for it when I joined the morning class routine.
  • The honeymoon was definitely over this month. It was tough to stay on track and just do it. But, I did do it so there’s that.

The Ugly:

  • Depression/anxiety/hopelessness set in BIG TIME. It was the worst it has been in 5 years (since my dad died).
  • Even though I have support, I felt desperately alone this month. I am really going to work on “talking it out” with trusted friends and my hubby moving forward.
  • I gave up my beloved Dunkin Donuts coffee for Lent. The withdrawal has be UGLY!!!!! 

For consistency sake, I will end this post with my Month #2 picture. I can see zero difference from Month #1 picture but that is okay…slow and steady wins the race!!!


Uptown Funk You Up

I have been a bit absent this week from my blog. I miss writing, but I had so much going on I had zero time. This week my final project was due for my Special Education teaching license. It was a ton of work and I won’t find out until June if I passed. Prayers are ensuing!

Tuesday was a great day because it was a SNOW DAY!!!!! 

Baby Megan on her first snow day

I love the lazy morning more than anyone, so it was really perfect! The big kids played outside for the majority of the day and Ryan and I stayed cuddled up so it was was win win for all of us. M & T were so tired they went to bed at 6:30 and Ryan followed shortly after that. Gotta love the snow coma!

fun stuff


rosy cheeks wrapped in a quilt

 Lately I have been in a huge mental funk. I am so sad most of the time; I am emotional and angry and depressed all rolled into one. I know I have a lot to be thankful for and I don’t have too much to be sad about. But my heart, oh my heart is heavy.  I am trying to use exercise as a way of dealing with this and it does help for the moment, but it is temporary. I am doing my best to stay on track with my goals and especially my eating. Depression = binging for me so I am controlling that at this point.  Monday I return to the doctor for a weigh in and hopefully I will have a chance to speak to him about these feelings.
I did find out this week when I got my blood work back that I have a vitamin D deficiency. I started taking a supplement today so maybe that will help. 

Anyway, I am still moving forward and I am proud of that. Hopefully this will be a better week.

Focus on the Food

The thing about having a compulsive eating disorder is that no matter how much you move, how many work outs you get in a week, how hard you push yourself at the gym ~it all comes down to the food.  

The deeper I get into my program the more obvious this is becoming to me. I have always been a firm believer in the 80/20 science of weight loss; 80% of the loss comes from your food intake and 20% from exercise.  

I feel like I have found my groove with fitness. I am participating in three classes a week (Body Pump, BOOTCAMP, and Cardio Core) and two days a week I am on the treadmill working C25K. I take the weekends off because it is way to hard on my time management. When Shawn is not working Friday night I do enjoy going to the Renew You! Class on Satuday morning, but I can only commit to that every other weekend.

But the food…oh the food. In some ways I know exactly what an alcoholic feels like…I am always thinking about food and planning a meal and forcing myself to make better choices.  It is a drag, man. The minute by minute struggle is real. 

My next weigh in is Monday and I am anxious to see what the scale says. This has not been a stellar month in the food department, but I do see a change in my portion control which I have to celebrate. I no longer feel the compulsive urge to eat everything in sight everyday. I noticed last weekend when we went out to eat I didn’t have multiple pickings from the bread basket (one piece felt like enough). 

My focus for this week and moving forward is to listen to hunger cues, eat until I am satisfied, and say no when I am not feeling the need to eat.

I will leave you with today’s breakfast. “Egg Biscuit Bake” (a recipe I made up that is a huge bang for my buck calorie wise) and roasted sweet potato “hash browns.” It was delicious and satisfying!

looks disgusting, tastes delicious

Going to Camp

I got my booty out of bed this morning at 4:50 in order to make it to the gym by 5 (my gym is really close and, yes, I brushed my teeth (but not my hair)!).  I started with a warm up on the treadmill for about 25 minutes and then headed to class.  Today was Boot Camp. I have watched this class from outside the glass doors for a few years now and I always thought in my head how I could NEVER, like NEVER keep up with it.  But in the interest in stepping out of my comfort zone, I went in.  It is mostly the same people who were there on Monday.  My new “friend” Trisha said hello to me by name (which I really appreciated!) and the instructor, Anna, also welcomed me back.

On a side note, I am not sure how many people know what a difference a simple kind word makes for a person who is feeling out of their comfort zone.  Seriously, I relaxed immediately after both those women reach out to me.  YAY for women building women up!

I got all of my equipment together and was ready to go.  I was nervous as HELL!!!!  I didn’t think I would be able to do ANYTHING.  But, you know what?  The anticipation of it all was much worse than the actual workout.  In fact I got through it fine.  I did a few modifications but really I kept up quite nicely…and I was super proud of myself for making a plan and sticking to it.

I am struggling right now with anxiety and being on the brink of depression, so getting myself to the gym is a great feat.  I have suffered from anxiety since I was a kid and sometimes it is easier to handle then others. I am working to come up with some positive things I can do when it creeps in, but, man, it is a struggle. I do think staying on a regular exercise schedule helps me to feel more in control and like I am actually doing something.

I do think part of the depression/anxiety comes from dieting itself.  Sometimes looking at the long-term journey makes me feel sad.  This has been a struggle for me my whole life (I think I went on my first diet in the second grade) so knowing I have forty more years of struggle seems too much to bear.  It is not easy for me.  It is a daily choice and one that I don’t always make.



Pump it Up

Well, I work up at 4:45 this morning to exercise.

And I didn’t hate it.


I decided after the success of my last class on Saturday that I would try and go to other exercise classes throughout the week.  I do think stepping out of my comfort zone will help enable me to push forward in my weight loss goals.

And since there is no time like the present…

I planned on leaving the house around 4:50 so I could make it to the gym when it opened at 5 am. My plan was to do a treadmill workout for 30 minutes and then take a Body Pump Class from 5:30-6:15.

And I did it.

And I am so proud of myself.

I pushed myself on the treadmill for the full 30 minutes and I was sweating, like, really sweating.  And then I saw people coming in for the class and I started to get really nervous.  I was kind of working my way into an anxiety attack.  Then, I did some positive self-talk, put on my big girl panties, stopped the treadmill and walked right on through those doors.

And you know what?  I was welcomed  many people and a really nice girl actually talked me through the set-up and eased my worry to a point where I was actually looking forward to the work-out. It was SO SO SO hard for me.  I worked muscles that I have never felt before.  But, I actually was enjoying it!  And I felt great afterwards.  And I feel even better now knowing that my work-out is behind me.


Yay for me!  Yay for progress!