The Next Step

I have been spending most of my free time researching the Gastric Sleeve Surgery.  After my husband and I talked about Ryan being our last baby, I started seriously considering having the Lap Band Surgery.

I should backtrack a bit…I have struggled with my weight for most of my life.  I can remember my mom and my doctor discussing diets for me when I was in second grade and thus started my poor relationship with food.  In second grade I was not fat and did not need to diet; but in the 1980’s there was one growth chart and one way of calculating what you should way and I was very, very tall and didn’t fit the chart.  This is when I stared dieting and also learned my habit of sneaking food and eating alone.  I know they were only doing this to help me, but, in fact, it really hurt me…emotionally, physically, everything. I continued to diet regularly from then on.  In college I packed on the pounds and a couple years after college was when I joined Weight Watchers and lost a significant amount of weight (75 pounds) and kept it off for about 4 years; I never reached my goal weight, but this was as close as I had ever been…enter marriage and children and I am back to a very unhealthy weight.  For our first few years of marriage (until I started getting pregnant) I did very little dieting and my weight steadily increased. Since having Ryan in the summer of 2014 I have worked at dieting pretty half-assed.

Back to weight-loss surgery…I have a friend who had the lap band done about three years ago and she had great success with it.  I would say she has lost close to 100 pounds.  While the first year and a half were difficult for her (lots of figuring out what her stomach could handle) she has been quite successful.  After doing a lot of research, though, lap band did not seem like something I wanted to do.  I feel a tiny bit weirded out by having something foreign (the port) in my body forever and there is a lot of maintenance with lap band (figuring out where the band needs to be changes!).

So when we decided that our family was complete, I started doing the research.

Interestingly enough, I never thought my weight was that out of control.  I always thought I could manage it on my own.  But you know what?  I can’t.  If I am not on a formal program losing, then I am gaining (always).  I am totally and completely embarrassed by this.  Seeing as I am a control freak in pretty much every other aspect of my life, it baffles me to no end that I cannot for the life of me be in control of my weight.  It is a sickness  One that I cannot cure.  I hate it.  I am mad about it.  I spend more time worrying about my weight than anything else in my life.

In my research I noticed how much surgery has helped people in my situation.  It is not a cop-out or an “easy way out” or anything else.  I truly believe it is a tool in helping me control my weight for the rest of my life.  Just because I have the surgery doesn’t mean that I will not struggle with my weight, but, hopefully, I will be able to manage it better.

One of the many things that holds me back is that I don’t want to be judged by anyone in making this decision.  I know that is silly, but it is the truth.  I guess I just have to get over it.

So I did the research on my own, I went to a seminar about the procedure and I am currently on a prescribed diet to help me make a decision on whether or not surgery is for me.  So far I have passed every test I have been give (I am a over-achiever like that) and am moving in a forward direction.  If I choose surgery, it will most likely be sometime in June so I will have the summer to recover.

I have not completely committed to surgery yet.  I am definitely keeping my options open and following the six month protocol that is required to even be considered a candidate.  I am meeting with the surgeon mid-March and at that point I will need to start making some concrete decisions about where I want to go with it.

I have lots of choices with the next step, and I am thinking it through over and over and over again.  I have been talking with my husband a lot about it because it will affect him the most. I will need care right after surgery and he will need to be there to help me.  I will also have to find places for my kids to go for a few days.  I will not be able to care for them for the first few days after surgery.  I know my mom and mother-in-law will be helpful during this time, but since I have not told them about the surgery until I meet with the surgeon I can’t really make any logistical plans yet.

I have a lot of thinking to do…