Setting the Date

My surgery date has been set.

June 24, 2016

The date that will change my life in the most profound way.

I have so many mix-emotions about it, but in my heart of hearts and with all the research I have done over the last year, I know it is the right direction to go.

And I am confident in my surgeon and the team I have been working with for the past six months.

I just have to wrap my head around this.


Letting it Go

I’ve been so sad lately.

I feel like a lot of things have gone on that are beyond my control and I don’t take criticism very well and it makes me sad. When I don’t have food to cope with the sadness, I don’t know what else to use.

I feel so alone and isolated in this journey.  I know I have many people in my life who support me and love me.  But sometimes I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to or lean on or “have my back.”  I know everyone is busy and has their own lives…I do too…but sometimes it would just be nice to be able to pick up the phone or go on a walk, or something and talk to someone. We live in a world of texting and e-mailing and Facebook Messenger, but our communication is at its worst.  It is no one’s fault, just the way that life is.  But it still makes me sad.

Does that make any sense?

I have been trying to talk with my husband more.  I know that statement seems crazy, like, “lady, shouldn’t you always be talking to your husband???” but we work at different hours of the day and we are not around each other all that much.  It has been a long long time since we have discussed anything except the kids and schedules.  So, I am trying to make an effort to actually talk to him and lean on him and bounce ideas off of him.  He is easy to talk to, but time.  We have no time together.

So I am sort of stuck, not a lot of connection or communication in my life.  Maybe with summer coming that will change a bit.  Shawn is going to  a (another) different schedule staring after Labor Day so that might just make life a little easier for me.  At least I will be able to get back to my 5:30 classes. And I am going to try and have some get-together’s with friends.  That should make things a little easier for me.

I have not been shy about saying this month has been rough.  I mean, really really rough on me.  So many changes, so much going on…I was not successful at all with my weight loss.  In fact, I gained 4 pounds.  It is sort of comical that I would GAIN WEIGHT on a doctors assisted diet, but I managed to do it, and I didn’t laugh.  I was so disappointed in myself.  I was so sad and I was ashamed to see the doctor.  These feelings are all triggers for weight gain for me.  It is a vicious cycle.

And yesterday morning in my appointment, the tears flowed.  And I just let them.  I haven’t had a good cry like that in a long time.  I was completely embarrassed about it, but somehow talking with Dr. Ivann eased my anxiety in a way. I talked to him about all of my fears and my triggers and my pain.  And you know what?  I felt cared for and heard and like he really understood.  He settled my crazy mind in a way.  I kind of felt normal which is something I have not felt in a long time.

My “case” was approved to send to insurance yesterday.  I am happy about that.  I am so ready for the waiting game to be over and to move forward in my new life.  Not that it will be any easier once I have surgery, but I feel like a new chapter can begin in a way.

I am tired of being fat.
I am tired of always feeling a gain is coming.
I am sick to death of starting over and over and over again and never really moving forward.
I am ready to tackle this new journey.

Now it is just a waiting game to see if my insurance will approve the surgery and we can get a date set for the next couple of months.  Yippee!!!!


Throw-back to the butt that started it all.  I do need a reminder of progress!


Making Progress

It has been a better week.

Not to say that it has been the best week of my journey, but it was better than last week and I will take it.

Anyone who has delt with obesity or binge eating disorder knows that it is a minute by minute out by hour day by day struggle.

Any little thing can trigger a breakdown in the plans that have been set and can cause weeks of trying to get back on track. Do you know what I mean?

It’s weird, but it’s reality.

I figured out a way to get up and get out and exercise in the morning. So far it is working for me and I am enjoying the 45 minutes to an hour of peace before the day begins.

School is over in 2.5 weeks and I am ready for the summer to begin. I am tentatively making plans. With a surgery date pending, I sort of play a waiting game until I have the date set.

We are going on vacation with great friends in July. I am stocked to get away for a week at the beach! It is going to be amazing.

And, of course, I am just counting the days to spend time with my favorites!

On the Verge

In outward appearances I look as though my life is completely put together.

I felt good here.

In reality I am on the verge of a breakdown.

My anxiety has hit an all-time high this month and it is really affected everything I am  trying to accomplish. 

At this point I am sort of at a loss as to where to go with this. I have been loosely tracking the triggers and it comes down to so many things that I can’t pinpoint just one.

One thing never changes, my kids are adorable!

I would say the biggest issue is my husband’s schedule change has cause me to be unable to make my morning exercise classes. 

And it sucks.

I can’t seem to get to the gym consistently in the afternoons.  Something always comes up and makes it next to impossible to get there. And I am not disciplined enough to do an at-home workout in the morning. I wish I was, but I am not.

This guy…melts my heart.

I must go back to taking things day by day, minute by minute to get myself back on track. 

With surgery pending, now, more than ever, I have to stick to sticking to it.

…and maybe I need to start drinking heavily 😳

A Day for Me

I feel like every time I am invited to a Mother’s Day event I have to pinch myself. Like, I can’t believe this is actually my life.

Being a mom is hands down my greatest accomplishment. 

I feel like, although I live in the trenches of motherhood and keeping little humans alive all day everyday, more times than not I lay my head down at night and can honestly say, “dang, I am a good mom!”
Today I held my head a little higher when I walked into Megan’s classroom. As my friend Beth put it, I felt like a “normal person.” At the end of the day the dieting and exercising is paying off. I feel good about the direction I am heading.

I felt like I looked good and I knew that Megan was so happy to see me. And I know she loves that I am her mom.  No matter what I look like, Megan loves me unconditionally.

And I love being her mom.

I Live with Animals

Last week was one of those weeks in motherhood where you wish for a do-over. I don’t know what has gotten into my kids, the the sass is real.

It needed to stop.

Mid-week Megan and Tyler had a bunch of friends over and they were all playing upstairs (for like, three minutes). Tyler came downstairs with a friendly, “Megan started it…” And I knew all hell was about to break loose.

I was confident it was going to be ugly, but had no idea there would be an exploded dirty diaper on the stairs and landing of our home.  I also didn’t realize in three minutes three bedrooms could be completely destroyed.

The afternoon play dates ended rather quickly with a booting out of the friends and a couple hours of clean up.

That was my last straw. Things are a changing and change is hard but needed.

Two days later I was in a meeting when I received a text that the kids were in trouble and the hubby was looking for a new home for the puppy.

Lesson learned…three young  kids and a puppy is too much chaos for this family to handle.

Things have settled on the Homefront. We have another new bormal and our kids have learned important lessons about boundaries, what a good friend is, and when a parent make a final plea you better shape up or things will be shipped out.

Seriously, I need a break.

Tyler took a pic of this litte pond before he promptly dropped my phone into it…well played, kid, well played.

Losing Control

I have had a rough week. A person that I considered a friend betrayed me in a big way and I am just not sure if I will ever be able to get over it.  Many people warned me to keep this person at arms length, but I always give people the benefit of the doubt and in this case I got screwed.

Without getting into details lets just say the experience left me in tears questioning a whole lot of decisions I have made in my life.

I wish I could say that I didn’t use food to numb the pain, but I did. I tried to control myself and I didn’t do things like I would have done it four months ago, but I still ate too much and used food to numb the pain.

This was a lesson learned for me…no matter how much I feel like “I got this”or am “cruising”…this addiction is crushing and it doesn’t take much to derail all of my efforts.

Tomorrow is a new day! It is “Mother’s Day” at Kindergarten and I am taking the day off. Hallelujah!! I can’t wait to spend some quality time with my sweet girl.

Looking Forward

I am two short weeks away from my final weigh-in for my physician assisted weight loss program. Well, not the FINAL weigh-in, but the FINAL weigh-in before I decide if the gastric sleeve surgery is where I want to be.
I am super conflicted about the whole thing. This process is so emotional because I have no one to talk to that has been through it and I feel a bit like a fish out of water. I have a very great friend who is also looking into the surgery so it is nice to compare notes with her, but it is sort of the blind leading the blind, if you know what I mean.
When all is said and done and I think about what is to come, my brain tells me that having the surgery is the best option for me. But in my heart I am having a major panic attack every time I think about it. So many questions… 

What if it doesn’t work and I did this for nothing?

What if I die on the operating table during an ELECTIVE surgery? Who would take care of my kids? What kind of legacy would I leave????

What if I am left with so much pain/nausea that I regret the decision?

 Oh my heart, my heart. 

After four and a half months of really submerging myself fully in the process, I still feel like I am on the struggle bus about 50% of the time. I have been developing really good, healthy habits…but I know it only takes a week of destructive eating and all of the bad habits come right back and I am on the way to gain everything back.

 Believe me, I have been there before and it is not pretty. All the hard work can be erased very quickly.

 I hate to be so critical of myself but this is where I stand at the moment.  I am conflicted. And scared. And full of emotions.

On a good note ~ only 20 days left of the school year. Not that I am counting or anything 😉.

I can’t wait to spend my full days with these three:

It was a rough week last week for us (more on that later) but we are fm ally getting back on track. Oh, how I love them so!!!