I am two short weeks away from my final weigh-in for my physician assisted weight loss program. Well, not the FINAL weigh-in, but the FINAL weigh-in before I decide if the gastric sleeve surgery is where I want to be.
I am super conflicted about the whole thing. This process is so emotional because I have no one to talk to that has been through it and I feel a bit like a fish out of water. I have a very great friend who is also looking into the surgery so it is nice to compare notes with her, but it is sort of the blind leading the blind, if you know what I mean.
When all is said and done and I think about what is to come, my brain tells me that having the surgery is the best option for me. But in my heart I am having a major panic attack every time I think about it. So many questions…
What if it doesn’t work and I did this for nothing?
What if I die on the operating table during an ELECTIVE surgery? Who would take care of my kids? What kind of legacy would I leave????
What if I am left with so much pain/nausea that I regret the decision?
Oh my heart, my heart.
After four and a half months of really submerging myself fully in the process, I still feel like I am on the struggle bus about 50% of the time. I have been developing really good, healthy habits…but I know it only takes a week of destructive eating and all of the bad habits come right back and I am on the way to gain everything back.
Believe me, I have been there before and it is not pretty. All the hard work can be erased very quickly.
I hate to be so critical of myself but this is where I stand at the moment. I am conflicted. And scared. And full of emotions.
On a good note ~ only 20 days left of the school year. Not that I am counting or anything 😉.
I can’t wait to spend my full days with these three: