Letting it Go

I’ve been so sad lately.

I feel like a lot of things have gone on that are beyond my control and I don’t take criticism very well and it makes me sad. When I don’t have food to cope with the sadness, I don’t know what else to use.

I feel so alone and isolated in this journey.  I know I have many people in my life who support me and love me.  But sometimes I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to or lean on or “have my back.”  I know everyone is busy and has their own lives…I do too…but sometimes it would just be nice to be able to pick up the phone or go on a walk, or something and talk to someone. We live in a world of texting and e-mailing and Facebook Messenger, but our communication is at its worst.  It is no one’s fault, just the way that life is.  But it still makes me sad.

Does that make any sense?

I have been trying to talk with my husband more.  I know that statement seems crazy, like, “lady, shouldn’t you always be talking to your husband???” but we work at different hours of the day and we are not around each other all that much.  It has been a long long time since we have discussed anything except the kids and schedules.  So, I am trying to make an effort to actually talk to him and lean on him and bounce ideas off of him.  He is easy to talk to, but time.  We have no time together.

So I am sort of stuck, not a lot of connection or communication in my life.  Maybe with summer coming that will change a bit.  Shawn is going to  a (another) different schedule staring after Labor Day so that might just make life a little easier for me.  At least I will be able to get back to my 5:30 classes. And I am going to try and have some get-together’s with friends.  That should make things a little easier for me.

I have not been shy about saying this month has been rough.  I mean, really really rough on me.  So many changes, so much going on…I was not successful at all with my weight loss.  In fact, I gained 4 pounds.  It is sort of comical that I would GAIN WEIGHT on a doctors assisted diet, but I managed to do it, and I didn’t laugh.  I was so disappointed in myself.  I was so sad and I was ashamed to see the doctor.  These feelings are all triggers for weight gain for me.  It is a vicious cycle.

And yesterday morning in my appointment, the tears flowed.  And I just let them.  I haven’t had a good cry like that in a long time.  I was completely embarrassed about it, but somehow talking with Dr. Ivann eased my anxiety in a way. I talked to him about all of my fears and my triggers and my pain.  And you know what?  I felt cared for and heard and like he really understood.  He settled my crazy mind in a way.  I kind of felt normal which is something I have not felt in a long time.

My “case” was approved to send to insurance yesterday.  I am happy about that.  I am so ready for the waiting game to be over and to move forward in my new life.  Not that it will be any easier once I have surgery, but I feel like a new chapter can begin in a way.

I am tired of being fat.
I am tired of always feeling a gain is coming.
I am sick to death of starting over and over and over again and never really moving forward.
I am ready to tackle this new journey.

Now it is just a waiting game to see if my insurance will approve the surgery and we can get a date set for the next couple of months.  Yippee!!!!


Throw-back to the butt that started it all.  I do need a reminder of progress!



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