I have spent my life surveying rooms. I think it stared in about third grade. I always scan the room to see if I am the fattest girl in it. It’s like if I can find one person bigger than me then I don’t feel so alone or desperate or whatever.
I know this makes me sound pathetic.
It is what it is.
So, even 80 pounds down I still feel like the fattest girl in the room wherever I go. I still scan. It is almost an addiction.
I have plenty of weight to lose still. I am not near where I would like to be. Mentally, it is hard for me to assess how far I have come because I see how far I need to go. I see the tummy flab and the excess skin on my thighs, and arm flab (oh, the arm flab). Realistically I know Rome wasn’t built in a day and this weight did not suddenly appear overnight, I know it will take time, lots of time to get where I would like to be.
And, for the most part, I am enjoying the journey. I am thrilled with how far I have come. There are moments, many moments, when I feel totally great and secure and happy. But there are also times where I can’t feel happy. Times when I think, how did I let myself go for so long???
The mental journey is just as difficult as the physical journey. Life is hard when your coping mechanism has always been good and that is now not an option. Relationships change, people change, life is ever-changing…we have to move and adapt with it. And find a new coping mechanism that doesn’t involve a bag of chips and salsa.
I’m looking forward to a good, active weekend. I am off work today and am going to venture out to find some new pants.
And scan some rooms…
I stepped on the scale this morning.
Then I had to step off.
And then back on again.
Today I saw a number I have not seen since early 2004. Yes…12 years ago.
I weigh less today than I did on my wedding day. I never in a million years thought I would ever see that number again.
I am 83 pounds down from my highest weight ever recorded on December 8, 2015. Who knows if I was ever higher than that.
Every one of those pounds represents the blood, sweat, and tears that it has taken to get them off. I have been working out at 5am 5 days a week for at least 75 minutes since January. And I have thrown in an occasional Saturday to the mix just for fun.
I have counted calories every day since I started this journey last December. I have said “no” to more delicious, unhealthy food than I can ever count. I have said “yes” to small meals, extra protein, and lots and lots of vegetables.
At this point I am still not close to my goal (whatever that may be), but I am 83 pounds healthier, 83 pounds happier, I have 83 pounds of more energy, I am 83pounds more likely to say yes to new experiences.
It has been a couple of very busy weeks over here and I don’t see it slowing down anytime soon, so we are just going to have to roll with it.
Football ended last night with a win for the Tiny Tigers in the Super Bowl. I am so proud of Tyler for his growth this season. He is, by far, the most improved player on his team. When I think back to August and my shy little guy not wanting to get out of the car, I really can’t believe how far he has come. He won the Defensive Player of the Week, had two fumble recoveries, and so many great plays; but I am most proud of him being coachable, a great teammate, and passionate.
Friday was my 8th grade Service Outreach Day. It is my favorite day of the year. I love seeing my kiddos step out of their comfort zones and do good things. We had so much praise from all the people at every location. Totally worth the effort it takes to put the day together.
Friday night Megan and I had a special date at the pumpkin patch with her Daisy Troop. What a great night. I love spending time with my girl. She is one of a kind and I absolutely adore seeing her with all of her friends. But, I especially love the drive to and from since she talked non-stop about life.
I took some pictures yesterday morning because I was feeing smaller. My weigh-in for the month is tomorrow so I am anxious to see if the scale matches how I feel. I am starting to see a waistline. Excuse my horrible non-combed hair and facial expressions.
One more non-scale victory. I fit into normal boots for the first time I think in my life. This is huge deal because I have worn the most ugly rain boots for the past 10 years because I was never able to get them over my calves. I bought the cutest pair I could find and threw those old suckers promptly in the trash.
I guess that is about all that’s going on. Today is my 12 year wedding anniversary. I think we will celebrate by meal prepping for the week and hanging with the kids…you know, something different.
I lost my dad six years ago today…
And I have never been able to get over it. I guess I never will and I have to keep surviving and living and thriving in the life that he gave me.
My dad was everything. Seriously, he wasn’t just my dad but my best friend…my “person” if you will. He took care of me. Even after I was married.
Today was a hard day.
Tomorrow will be better.
Happy Monday, everyone. I just finished up an eight hour in service on Mental Health. It was very boring, but I did learn a lot.
My weekend flew by (don’t they always???). We started out Friday night with a play date for Ryan with his BFF Henry. We love Henry and his mom so it was fun for us to catch up with them. And we tried to get a good picture of the boys, but, two year olds…
Saturday started out with an intense work-out for me. Man, these work-outs get harder and harder. I love it! Then, I rushed home because it was game day and I am happy to say we won! Tyler had a great game and Megan was outstanding so everyone was happy. One more game left. I think I will be sad to see the season end. I think.
And on Sunday we decided to do one more family fun day at Kings Island. Fall is the best time to go there because the weather is great and Sunday is very little crowds. The kids had a blast, we used our meal plan for lunch (free), and dinner was ready when we got home (yay, Crock-pot!).
I am looking forward to a short work week! So much going on!!!
Have a great week.
I am having a rough week (and I know it is only Monday!). I am feeling overwhelmed with life…mostly laundry, house cleaning, food prep, mommying, and everything else that goes with running a household. My kids were pretty much acting like a-holes (am I allowed to say that? Well, yes, yes I am…my blog, my rules) this afternoon which turned into a lot of yelling and some major time spent in bedrooms (all of us). I am so tired of first grade homework…but what I am more tired of is knowing we have approximately 14 more years of homework to deal with; actually, 16 if you factor Ryan and Tyler into the equation) I don’t know if Megan or I are going to get through it. Ugh.
My husband and I work opposite schedules so it is hard not to play the “blame game” when it comes to who does more (that would be me) and who gets most of the breaks (it is him, I assure you). Generally I can handle it, but sometimes I get pushed over the edge. I was proud of myself today because I expressed myself in a non-judgy, positive way. I explained my feelings and got the words out without being nasty or starting a fight.
That, my friends, is progress.
On a better note, school pictures were distributed today. I took a side by side of my teacher badge and I can definitely see some positive changes.
I am looking forward to a much better Tuesday. I will be taking myself to bed early tonight to ensure that will happen.
Ending on a positive note: I had a killer workout this morning and I actually ran (abet slowly) 2 miles this weekend. Go me!
Have a great week everyone!