The Fattest Girl in the Room

I have spent my life surveying rooms. I think it stared in about third grade. I always scan the room to see if I am the fattest girl in it. It’s like if I can find one person bigger than me then I don’t feel so alone or  desperate or whatever.

I know this makes me sound pathetic.

It is what it is.

So, even 80 pounds down I still feel like the fattest girl in the room wherever I go. I still scan. It is almost an addiction.

I have plenty of weight to lose still. I am not near where I would like to be. Mentally, it is hard for me to assess how far I have come because I see how far I need to go. I see the tummy flab and the excess skin on my thighs, and arm flab (oh, the arm flab). Realistically I know Rome wasn’t built in a day and this weight did not suddenly appear overnight, I know it will take time, lots of time to get where I would like to be.

And, for the most part, I am enjoying the journey. I am thrilled with how far I have come. There are moments, many moments, when I feel totally great and secure and happy.  But there are also times where I can’t feel happy. Times when I think, how did I let myself go for so long???

The mental journey is just as difficult as the physical journey. Life is hard when your coping mechanism has always been good and that is now not an option. Relationships change, people change, life is ever-changing…we have to move and adapt with it. And find a new coping mechanism that doesn’t involve a bag of chips and salsa.

I’m looking forward to a good, active weekend. I am off work today and am going to venture out to find some new pants.

And scan some rooms…


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