Not Good

Things are not good here, friends. I have a lot of stuff going on that I don’t care to share with he inter webs, but, believe me when I say, things are kinda sucking for me.

I have an appointment on April 5 (next Wednesday) and I am just hoping I can hold on until then. 

Ugh, depression/anxiety sucks because it puts you in a place so low that you can recognize that things are actually good in your life but you cannot be happy. Like cannot. And it is horrible.

Trying to be positive…here are a few good things that have happened this week.

  • I turned 42. I am officially middle-aged and I really don’t mind. I look better and feel better physically then I ever have. So there’s that.

  • Megan and I had a girls day of manicures,lunch, and a musical. It was glorious.

  • I got a lot of new clothes/gift cards to use for new clothes for my birthday. There are so needed.
  • My students received Confirmation last weekend. It was beautiful.

  • Ryan does this every morning after I drop him at his mamaws. He is a little rascal but so darn cute.

  • My 40 bags challenge is going well. Actually the process of ridding myself of stuff helps with my anxiety.

  • Ryan and Tyler have a great relationship. Give them a couple of years and they will be thick and thieves. They are always goofing around.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it!

In It to Win It

I am bound and determined to have a good week. I am setting myself up for success both physically and mentally. 

In my quest to fill 40 bags in 40 days I really cleaned out the basement this weekend. One of the reasons I hate going down there to work out is because I am OCD and can’t stand the mess down there. Does anyone out there agree that putting exercise off is so much easier when you can direct your energy to something else?  I just can’t workout with the room a mess. I know it seems insane but it is true!

Today was the day to get down there and purge so many things. We have a ton of unused toys down there and a lot of costumes that have seen their better days. And they were everywhere. No one ever puts anything away after they play with it. And the stuffed animals stuffing was everywhere as well. I think the kids wrestle with them and they break at the seams and just leave the mess. And there were lots of broken toys and pieces of games that did not go together. 

So I took two bags down there and came up with them filled. It was easy because I really didn’t care to keep any of that crap and nothing was good enough to salvage or donate. 

Done and done.

Now I can go down there in the morning and get my sweat on without feeling like I need to clean it.  Tomorrow morning I have a meeting with the “10 Minute No Equipment Workout”  at 5 am and I couldn’t be happier.  Seriously, decluttering makes me so happy!

I also packed my lunches up for the week.  I got Noosa yogurt, healthy wrap sandwiches and veggies. Yum-o.  And I am making dinner for two new moms in the church and will make some for us too…Italian chicken pasta. So, so good and super healthy.

In other events, I got 7 inches chopped off my hair this week. It was beginning to be a real drag and my head was killing me every night. So I just chopped it and I like it.

Don’t mind my crazy eyes

I head back to the weight loss specialists on April 5 and I would like to be down 100 pounds. I am so close yet so far! 

Anyway, have a great week!
What do you do to set yourself up for success?

The Week is Getting Away

Quick update…the “10-Minute-No-Equipment-Needed-Fat-Burning-Workout” completely kicked my ass. Seriously, I was hardly able to walk on Friday and the pain continued throughout the weekend.  Holy-hell, I have never felt like that in my life.

We have a busy weekend and I am paying for it today.  The laundry. Oh, the laundry. How do five people accumulate so.much.laundry???

After a work-out and shower on Saturday morning, we headed North to spend the day with my mom.  I was feeling terrible.  Between my soreness from the previous work-out, female issues, and a headache that just would not leave, I was not my usual self.  My mom said that I was “lacking joy” which is an accurate description of where I am in my life right now. In fact, she and Shawn spent a good amount of time talking about how “Fat Liz” was so much happier and more bubbly then “Thin Liz.” And you know what?  They are completely right.  I am a total cliche. I was the “fun fat girl” for so long. Now I am in a weird space where I don’t know who I am.

It was sort of a wake-up call to me.  I do need to find my joy again.  I need to do things that will make me happy. I have to say,”yes” more to opportunities that will bring me joy. I might try that…next week. #goals

The kids had fun at a super-awesome place called “Rockin Jump.” Ryan was the happiest I have ever seen him.  He was way too cute jumping with the big kids. Megan proudly made it up the rock wall (twice!) and Tyler is a maniac.

Sunday started with church as a family. Two of the three kids were well behaved so I took that as a win. Then we had lunch together and 3/3 were awesome.  They love food, and eating, and playing games at the table.  Conversations included why we fart, why we need to brush teeth, and sharks in the ocean.  Very random.

When we got home I needed a nap, but I went grocery shopping. #adulting

And we celebrated my MIL’s 73 birthday at Red Lobster. I can never figure out if I like it there. I always think I do, but I never know what to order. These days, Shawn and I are splitting  meals so we got an assortment of shrimp.  It was okay.  Tyler got a steak because he is a six year old eating us out of house and home. Oy Vey, what are my grocery bills going to be like with two teenage boys someday?

I meant to publish this on Monday. I am behind in life.

Have a good week. Hump Day tomorrow!!!

A Few New Things

I don’t really like change, but as an adult I have to embrace it. I have been trying new things in the last few weeks and I thought I would share some of them today. Here are five of my newest finds…

1. Working out at home. 

I don’t like it too much. I have no motivation to get up when a) I don’t go to the gym or b) when I am not meeting a friend. But since Shawn is now not home in the morning I really can’t do either. So I am forced to do something. I did find this work-out that I have been doing and not hating. I do 4 rounds which takes approximately 40 minutes. I think I might have the kids do it with me in the evening because I am a fun mom like that.

10 minute workout
2. New Recipes

I tried the “Unstuffed Egg Roll” last week and it was a absolute HUGE hit for the family. Everyone loved it and it was super easy.

Unstuffed Egg Roll
I also tried Katie Lee’s “Slow-Cooker Lasagna Soup” yesterday. I will say for a slow cooker recipe it had a lot of steps to it, which I am not a fan of…I prefer the dump and go method of crock-potting.

Megan and Tyler both really liked it. It sparked an interest in the Garfield show so that was kind of a fun quirk.

Shawn and I thought there were too many noodles and not enough protein. I added a bunch of pulverized veggies to it so that added a lot of nutrients and flavors. We have a ton of leftovers so I am going to pack it up and bring it to a new mom and family this weekend.

Slow-Cooker Lasagna Soup
3. New smile

Tyler finally lost that front tooth that has been hanging by a thread for a week. It literally just fell out ( no pulling necessary) and he said, “Here, do you want a tooth?” That’s my guy.

4. Traditions

I am going to start making going to the park mandatory on nice days after school. Yesterday was gorgeous and we spent an hour at the park after we picked up Ryan. It was so nice to get out in the fresh air and the kids dispositions were so much better with that downtime. My mind felt great as well so it was a win-win for everyone.

5. Breakfast

I have been eating sourdough toast with mashed avacado, sauerkraut, and turkey bacon for breakfast fairly often in the last few weeks. It is a weird, delicious combination that I stole from Jen.  Today I tried not with Ham and loved it!

What’s Going On?

Well, things are not much better than they were last week. But, the good news is, I did get an appointment for April 5 with my doctor. 

I am taking it day by day. 

I am also trying to express my feelings to my husband in a kinder, gentler way. For instance, instead of getting completely out of control angry when he asks to clarification about something, I am saying, “this makes me very anxious, I am not trying to be mean, I just need you to know.”

It seems to be working okay.

In other news, Tyler is about to lose all of his front teeth.

I am not ready for him to grow up. Tyler is my baby and I love him for it. I don’t want him to grow up too fast. At age 6 he stills holds my hand, kisses me in public, and wants to be held while he is falling asleep. Losing teeth is just a reminder that he will not be the same as he was yesterday.

And I want time to stop.

Let’s see, what else…I am working on my 40 bags for Lent. I spent a good chunk of the weekend finishing the kids rooms and moving on to the kitchen. Man, it is work. But good work. Sometimes it goes unnoticed because most of the junk comes from places that have been hidden (drawers, closets, cabinets) but I do notice the weight off of me. It was so much easier putting clothes away this morning. And I am giving a huge load of boys clothes to a needy school down the road and that feels good. Progress is all I can ask for!

We also started making plans for a vacation this summer. At first I was totally against it, my depression just makes things like this seem like an insurmountable pain in the ass. But, Shawn found a really great deal on a cute place and I am warming up to the idea. I do love getting away and even though the anxious side of me thinks it is a terrible idea I know it will make everyone happy in the end. I did learn a lot about over-packing last summer so I will not make that mistake again! Kids gereally need two bathing suits, a couple of pairs of shorts and a few t-shirts. That’s all. 

Other than that, I am just trying to hang in there. Be happy. Be present.  Read more books. Put my phone down.

It’s working, kind of.

In the Trenches


Life has been hard.

Like really hard.

Like I don’t know if I can get out of bed hard.

I know this is depression.  And I know I should be seeing a doctor.

But I just can’t make the appointment. In the past when I have had these issues and have asked for help I always feel like I am not being heard or I feel stupid talking about it.

Last night was rough.

My kids were not being good. Actually, they were acting like complete asses. And my nerves were shot. They got “goo” all over our carpet and I basically lost my shit.

For those who know me well, I hate a mess more than anything in life.

And they know better.

Much better.

They were showered, pj’ed, and in bed by 6:30.

And then I sat downstairs with my husband for a while and realized we have nothing to talk about…no interests in common, we don’t agree on most topics, and I find him to be the exact opposite of everything I stand for.

Nothing new.

But, it is still really sad and depressing.

I actually started feeling sick to my stomach and went to bed around 7.

But I can’t sleep.

I haven’t slept well in months.

Anxiety gets me at night and I just stare at the ceiling worrying.

And then I worry some more.

Then it is 4:30 and I get up and clean the house and do laundry and watch TV.
(I no longer go to the gym in the morning because the hubby is no longer at home during that time and I am pretty sure my 7 year old is not capable of holding down the fort, re: the goo incident)


By 6:30 am I pick myself up and am ready to start the day.

Things are fine with work and schedules and life.

If you met me in person you would have no idea how heartbreakingly depressed I am.

I am a functioning depressed-a-holic (that is my own language)

But I am not sure how much longer I can function like this.  I need to make some changes but I don’t know where to start.  I keep thinking things will be better but I make no changes so things will most likely never get better.

I guess that is the hardest part of depression/anxiety…knowing how to move forward.

I used to eat to cope, but I am  no longer allowing myself to do that.

So there’s that.

And now the space key is notworkingonmycomputer whichisannoying.

So I better go.