In the Trenches

Ugh.

Life has been hard.

Like really hard.

Like I don’t know if I can get out of bed hard.

I know this is depression.  And I know I should be seeing a doctor.

But I just can’t make the appointment. In the past when I have had these issues and have asked for help I always feel like I am not being heard or I feel stupid talking about it.

Last night was rough.

My kids were not being good. Actually, they were acting like complete asses. And my nerves were shot. They got “goo” all over our carpet and I basically lost my shit.

For those who know me well, I hate a mess more than anything in life.

And they know better.

Much better.

They were showered, pj’ed, and in bed by 6:30.

And then I sat downstairs with my husband for a while and realized we have nothing to talk about…no interests in common, we don’t agree on most topics, and I find him to be the exact opposite of everything I stand for.

Nothing new.

But, it is still really sad and depressing.

I actually started feeling sick to my stomach and went to bed around 7.

But I can’t sleep.

I haven’t slept well in months.

Anxiety gets me at night and I just stare at the ceiling worrying.

And then I worry some more.

Then it is 4:30 and I get up and clean the house and do laundry and watch TV.
(I no longer go to the gym in the morning because the hubby is no longer at home during that time and I am pretty sure my 7 year old is not capable of holding down the fort, re: the goo incident)

Ha…depressing.

By 6:30 am I pick myself up and am ready to start the day.

Things are fine with work and schedules and life.

If you met me in person you would have no idea how heartbreakingly depressed I am.

I am a functioning depressed-a-holic (that is my own language)

But I am not sure how much longer I can function like this.  I need to make some changes but I don’t know where to start.  I keep thinking things will be better but I make no changes so things will most likely never get better.

I guess that is the hardest part of depression/anxiety…knowing how to move forward.

I used to eat to cope, but I am  no longer allowing myself to do that.

So there’s that.

And now the space key is notworkingonmycomputer whichisannoying.

So I better go.

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4 thoughts on “In the Trenches

  1. Call your doctor and tell them you need to get in ASAP to be treated for depression and anxiety. Take a sick day. Do it. You don’t have to live like this. I promise you.

    Like

  2. I agree, call and get an appointment. Don’t tell anyone if you don’t want to. It will take about 7 weeks to kick in, but in 6 weeks it’s either going to be like this or better! Choose better. There are other things going on as well, I am sure. Pick your battles and start with something you can definitely change, yourself. Then after you get that a bit more under control, then you can work on your relationships. I had to do the same thing with my hubby. After losing all my weight, there comes a point you see that what you used to do for fun (eat, veg, eat more, etc) is something you can’t or don’t want to do. It will be up to you to introduce more healthy things to do, because it won’t occur to them. I found a restaurant that I can find something to eat and he likes (after many attempts), he likes to cook so we’ve gone to cooking classes, we started taking dancing classes (something he likes and I hate–but I don’t feel so self conscious or worried I’m going to break his foot). Once we started doing a few things, the words came. I still don’t talk politics with him and sometimes he kind of try’s to ambush me with a political statement, but I don’t bite, cause I know it doesn’t help our relationship.

    Good luck

    Liked by 1 person

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