Life has been hard.
Like really hard.
Like I don’t know if I can get out of bed hard.
I know this is depression. And I know I should be seeing a doctor.
But I just can’t make the appointment. In the past when I have had these issues and have asked for help I always feel like I am not being heard or I feel stupid talking about it.
Last night was rough.
My kids were not being good. Actually, they were acting like complete asses. And my nerves were shot. They got “goo” all over our carpet and I basically lost my shit.
For those who know me well, I hate a mess more than anything in life.
And they know better.
They were showered, pj’ed, and in bed by 6:30.
And then I sat downstairs with my husband for a while and realized we have nothing to talk about…no interests in common, we don’t agree on most topics, and I find him to be the exact opposite of everything I stand for.
But, it is still really sad and depressing.
I actually started feeling sick to my stomach and went to bed around 7.
But I can’t sleep.
I haven’t slept well in months.
Anxiety gets me at night and I just stare at the ceiling worrying.
And then I worry some more.
Then it is 4:30 and I get up and clean the house and do laundry and watch TV.
(I no longer go to the gym in the morning because the hubby is no longer at home during that time and I am pretty sure my 7 year old is not capable of holding down the fort, re: the goo incident)
By 6:30 am I pick myself up and am ready to start the day.
Things are fine with work and schedules and life.
If you met me in person you would have no idea how heartbreakingly depressed I am.
I am a functioning depressed-a-holic (that is my own language)
But I am not sure how much longer I can function like this. I need to make some changes but I don’t know where to start. I keep thinking things will be better but I make no changes so things will most likely never get better.
I guess that is the hardest part of depression/anxiety…knowing how to move forward.
I used to eat to cope, but I am no longer allowing myself to do that.
So there’s that.
And now the space key is notworkingonmycomputer whichisannoying.
So I better go.